I have been very busy in the past year or so on presidential stuff. I have launched many projects mainly in construction. Follyland population is sprouting like bunnies and they need affordable housing. I have found out that Bar was behind the Internet censorship law which was aimed at preventing the people of Follyland from accessing mainly my website. I only found this out recently, because initially, he told me a load of porkies about Follylanders becoming addicted to free porn on the net. He went on to say that this is problematic because it is the direct cause of the demographic boom Follyland has known in recent years and the ensuing housing and education problems. I didn't need more persuasion and approved the law immediately. However, as I was tidying up my old bookmarks this very afternoon, I discovered that porn websites are still accessible from within Follyland! But my website isn't. Well, it is only accessible by me when am at work and probably also by the secret services. However, it will be accessible from outside Follyland and the diaspora will be able to view it. This might be useless though because Follylanders tend to become even more lethargic once they leave Follyland. Which, having thought a bit more about it, might be a good thing after all. Mind you, I don't know why they want to make government stuff secret, but they never tell me anything anyway. Sometimes I regret having agreed to become president but it is too late now. Besides, the perks are great, so I cannot complain. I do get to do great stuff mind you, like that huge mosque am building. This is sure to please Follylanders who are a particularly spiritual bunch. The bleeding teachers aren't pleased though as they have been on a strike for God knows how long now. Such a pain in the neck aren't they! So useless but always wanting more money and perks. Socialist mentality, if you ask me! Why not become presidents all of them while they're at it! I threatened the Education Minister of firing him if he doesn't sort them out immediately, but all he did was threaten them to fire them all if they didn't sort themselves out immediately! I'll need to think of a trick to beat the crap out of that mentality, put everyone back in their places without attracting unwelcome attention to myself and being branded a dictator. However, there are more urgent matters to attend to right now...

I have not fed this diary for a very long time, but that was mainly because I have been fed a bunch of lies by Bar. For the past year, he has been warning me against some dark powers which are supposedly working secretly to stage a coup d'état against me that would have been executed on the day of my taking the presidential sermon. [I have become president by the way, officially with a nearly perfect 99.9% Yes vote and a not so perfect but still enough 9% turnout rate. The other day, I was having trouble sleeping and I decided to fiddle around with my calculator which I keep in my bedside drawer. I calculated the actual number of people who actually voted for me and the answer I got was disappointing to say the least.] The past year has been one of the most terrifying of my life! Only briefly brightened up by my landslide win in the presidential elections. I have not managed to work out who the dark powers Bar kept warning me about are or why they disprove of me becoming president (this last bit was the most upsetting to tell you the truth), but he managed to persuade me to disappear completely from both real and virtual lives. These were his exact words as I recall. Only recently have I connected the dots together and realised that he must have found out about this secret diary, otherwise why would he speak about 'real' and 'virtual' lives? Must have been that man who followed me when I skived from my presidential duties and went to an Internet Cafe to post a blog. My thoughts are unclear right now. There have been funny goings on recently and I have started to suspect that Bar had mounted all this show to force my open-source governance values out of me by the judicious use of terror. On the presidential front, nothing much has happened except that my secretary came in one day with a tray-full of birthday cards which I had to sign and stamp. They were destined to some other presidents. The one addressed to the president of Wallyland was the ugliest of the lot and it made a lasting impression on me.

Oops, it turns out I cannot just abolish all the public services, because people actually like them, especially when they are free or at least really really cheap but very very well maintained. Apparently, public services reassure and comfort people that the government is doing something with the budget other than spend it on dinners and country mansions. Thank God I didn't go ahead and bragged on about abolishing them in my campaign, would have caused a masses upheaval before even getting to become a president! The challenge now is how to abolish all taxes to make people better off but keep public services and improve them. I could be asked that by some nasty journalist but for the life of me I don't know how I'd answer. Bar said not to worry about it too much as we could stage a technical fault if such a question crops up.

Been working so hard on my electoral programme that I hardly had time to post on here. I didn't know I had to present one, I thought they'd already taken care of that! There are going to be 10 more parties racing it for the presidentials this term, although am more or less guaranteed to win, the more there are of them the better it will look for us and Follyland's acclaimed democracy and pluralist politics. I've been thinking really hard about my programme while sipping my favourite chilled mango juice and fermented goat's milk cocktail and I reckon I've come up with something: I am going to focus on three major sectors - 1)- ongoing reward scheme for the former war veterans, yes, although all of them should be dead by now, their reward scheme must go on for eternity, because they will remain eternal in our memory. This will help people continue remembering our heroic past and be pleased with it. 2)- promoting the entertainment industry so that the people can enjoy themselves more and have a good time playing games or betting, hopefully this will make them complain less because complaining is not good for their health. We don't want to end up with a nation of sickos. 3)- just generally working on making everybody better off, by abolishing taxes and working together to find new ways of not funding those crappy public services or maybe abolishing them as well. I thought of making this last point more explicit by suggesting we simply split oil money between all of us according to our ranks and influence and ditch all this economy boosting and job creating nonsense, but the Jolly Boys said this is a bad idea to suggest to people because it might hurt their pride by suggesting that they are begging from us and living off our backs (which they actually are doing but never mind hey). Good point that. I know the other parties will brag on about education and health yadadee yadada, the usual boring stuff that nobody gives two hoots about. That's why I've decided to steer clear of that crap.

My worst fears have turned out to be true: I am under surveillance! I told Bar (that's the name of the chap in Hawaiian shirt), I told him am not happy about that. As a president, I value my privacy above all. A president should be given privacy to think about their presidency stuff and ponder critical political issues. Bar did not agree with me, he mentioned that embarrassing incident about the funds am supposed to have "stolen" from Follyland back in the 40's, before leaving the country in self-imposed exile. It's funny how these Follylanders start using the word "steal" whenever they are away from Follyland. In Follyland, we don't even have the word "steal" in Baragouin, nor in Bafflegab. The closest word we have is "take". The problem with the Jolly Boys is that their thinking has been recently contaminated with foreign nonsense and they want to apply it to Follyland. I told him look buddy, don't try and intimidate me when you know damn well that everybody takes what they can take. I was going to say more nasty things aimed at hurting him but remembered that the only thing I'll manage to hurt is my chances of making it to the president's spot. I need all the allies I can get for the elections, good thing I know I'll be watched now, I'll have to tone down the topless sun-bathing and the dressing-up in my animals and vegetables costumes.

Pheww! Not easy becoming a president! I don't know whether am coming or going. I have been so busy lately with the preparations, been signed up for all sorts of courses to brush up on my presidential techniques. I sneaked away from the "Headlines Grabbing Atrocities" one pretending I needed to go to the loo. But I quickly ran off to where I had spotted an Internet cafe earlier on, am posting this from there. Better be off, otherwise I'll be told off and may never become a president. There's a dodgy looking bloke outside eyeing me up in a not very reassuring way, I hope am not under surveillance...

I went for a dip in the beach today. A big bellied man in a Hawaiian shirt approached me and said: "Fancy becoming a president?". I thought he was translating a popular chat up line from his native language, so I joked: "Not unless am democratically elected", to which he replied: "Deal" then stripped off and ran to sea. I had completely forgotten about him when later that evening I got a phone call through the Hotel reception. A voice said: "The JBG wants you to take over the leadership of the party. There are going to be elections on January 25th and if everything goes to plan, you will become the new President of Follyland. Pack up, we're leaving tomorrow" and the voice hung up. The Jolly Boys Gathering (JBG)! I couldn't believe they were contacting me after all these years of self-imposed exile! Follyland! How I miss it! I got out of bed and packed up my 15 bathing suits and lime greed electrical tooth brush. I was a bit worried my sun tan will play against me in the elections, making me look like I am more interested in going on holidays than actually doing political stuff. But if the JBG says "if everything goes to plan" then that surely means it will.

Travel Guide

With more than seven-eighths of its territory covered by the Fanfara desert, the Fanfara is Follyland's most difficult to ignore feature and is drawing increasing numbers of easily-fooled tourists. Several flights operate from Astroblema, the capital, to Kerfuffle as well as to smaller towns, oases and oil settlements.

PRACTICAL INFORMATION

Time Zone: GMT + 1.

Getting There: It will take you approximately the same time and price whether you decide to get here by air, road or sea. So just come over.

Passport/Visa: Everyone (even babies, children and pets) is required to have 3 passports, at least one of which must be valid, and up to 5 valid visas. The more visas you have the better your chances of setting foot on Follyland, as the number of valid visas you can collect is an indication of how committed a tourist you are.

Type of Visas: There is only one type, but it's a hell of a type; really pretty and colourful.

Validity: Depends on how long you intend to stay. Generally, if you request a 30-day Visa, you will get a 15-day one and vice versa. As a rule of thumb, the longer you wish to stay, the shorter the validity of your Visa will be.

Currency: Zealot (ZLT) = 100 follies. Notes are in denominations of ZLT1,000, 500, 200, 100 and 50. Coins are in denominations of ZLT100, 50, 20, 10, 5, 2 and 1.

Currency Exchange: Available through any dealer. In general, you can get a good exchange rate from dealers dealing illegally. The authorities turn a blind eye on them because they are making things an awful lot easier for everyone. So although it would be illegal to exchange currency that way, it is totally risk-free and profitable.

Credit/Debit Cards and ATMs: They had to be phased out as the machines kept swallowing them. So, no, they are generally not accepted. If you find somewhere where they are accepted, it is most likely that they're after some dodgy fraud trick.

Prohibited Imports: Anything that the customs deem inappropriate (for example objects with a clear debauched purpose).

Prohibited Exports: Have a word with the customs, in general they're nice chaps, but try not to irritate them too much. They've been asking for more comfortable uniforms as the current ones make them sweat too much. But so far their requests have been ignored. So they take it all on clueless tourists.

Public Holidays: Follylanders work 1 day of the week. The rest are public holidays.

Accommodation: You can sleep anywhere, but you have to disguise yourselves as locals to avoid sticking out too much. Just less hassle.

Electricity: Yes we have it, no worries there.

Photography: No photos are allowed of Follyland. In cases of absolute necessity, photos will have to be touched up in PhotoShop by the relevant authorities. The reason being that we are too worried the originals might be used to embarrass Follyland in front of the international community. Tourists are however encouraged to memorise as many lovely stories as possible to tell the world about with respect to the lovely time they've had in Follyland. Specialist help is available locally as to possible lovely stories that may be memorised.

Social Conventions: Avoid getting yourself into trouble and trouble will avoid you. Don't strip in public, it is not considered funny around here. The provision and acceptance of hospitality are an important part of Follylaic culture. In the main cities, the urban population lives at a frantic pace much akin to Trollopian urban dwellers, but in the south and in rural areas people are much more open and friendly.

CLIMATE

The climate changes a lot but it is hot and dry in the south and humid by the coast. Follyland does not pay particular attention to weather because it just gets on with it. However, in times of snowfall or heavy rain, all activity is suspended and people stay at home and enjoy a bit of telly or a lie in. In summer, where temperatures can reach high degrees, Follylanders emigrate to the beach or confine themselves to their air-conditioned homes. Some might venture out by midnight or soon after. But the majority will stay at home and chase up irritating mosquitoes in a bid to help digestion before prostrating on the beautifully cool floor and imploring sleep to come.

Required Clothing: None. Just bring whatever you have, we're not fussy.

THINGS TO DO

There are loads of things to do, it depends how open you are to be persuaded. As a principle, Follyland leaves its tourists to do as they please and does not attempt to enforce or suggest a certain timetable of activities or a list of attractions to visit. The tourists are pretty much left to their own devices to trot across the country and admire how perfect it is in every possible way.

Cafes are available but as a rule of thumb they do not offer comfortable seating for fear of encouraging customers to spend the whole day sat there, thus preventing them from discovering Follyland and spending more money in it. Follylanders drink coffees standing up, which can make their legs go numb. Sometimes, if there is space available, they do some stretches to recover the use of their jammed legs before walking out of the cafe to face the unknown.

Nightlife: Non-existent. Follylanders value a good night sleep and are generally early birds. A variety of birds' morning songs can be enjoyed from just before sunrise throughout Follyland. An experience not to be missed.

Shopping: If you're interested in shopping then you'd better stay where you are and not come to Follyland as it would be an awfully long way to come for shopping. You should perhaps try to find somewhere closer to where you live.

FOOD & DRINK

Traditional Follylaic food shows the historic influences of a myriad tastes. It is very nutritious and tasty, making you realise how lovely life is. Follylanders enjoy cooking and eating in large groups while talking at the same time. They are multi-taskers who can do anything as long as they eat. The country's most popular drink is water, followed by fizzy drinks. Coffee is very loved also, especially when of ink-consistency.

The sale of mind-enhancing substances is not encouraged. That is why Follylanders are generally alert and have their wits about them in case some misfortune strikes, which is something that is not very unlikely considering Follyland's history.

About Follyland

Follyland, a gateway between the continents Trollop and Afflicta, has been battered by all sorts of misfortunes over its entire history. A lot of Follylanders believe the country is doomed sooner or later. More than a trillion Follylanders were killed in the fight for independence from Zezenia in 1932. Luckily, they were quickly replaced in the post-independence mating frenzy. The struggle for independence began in 1924 headed by the Jolly Boys Gathering (JBG), which came to power on independence in 1932. The country has recently emerged from an internal indigestion that followed scrambled elections on toast in 1962.

OVERVIEW

The Fanfara desert covers more than seven-eighths of the land. Oil and gas reserves are always being discovered here and there, but that has never been enough to persuade most Follylanders to live in Fanfara. They prefer to live closely packed along the northern coast, where there is lovely sea breeze coming all the way from Trollop. On a clear day, Follylanders enjoy looking out across the sea and organise competitions to have a successful glimpse of the distant but lovely Trollop. The country supplies large amounts of natural gas to Trollop and energy exports constitute the economy.

Wallyland borders Follyland from the west. It is Follyland's most turbulent neighbour. Wallyland is jealous of Follyland and that is why it is always trying to steal bits of land from the borders. But when Follyland tries to (legitimately) recover its stolen bits of land, Wallyland (falsely) claims that Follyland is trying to steal bits of its land. That is why Follyland and Wallyland are always fighting (over land). If you look at Follyland and Wallyland from the sky, you will see that the borders between them are very messed up.

Follyland was originally inhabited by apes and gorillas until the Sapiens conquered North Afflicta in the 7th century and engaged in heavy breeding with the indigenous population to see what would come out of it. Staying mainly in the mountainous regions, the apes and gorillas resisted the spreading Sapiens influence, managing to preserve much of their body fur and culture. They make up some good proportion of the population.

FACTS

Full name: Follyland

Capital: Astroblema. It is located in the north of Follyland, on the coastline. The city owes its name to the fact that it is a huge crater caused by a collision with a meteor. Follyland has always had a history of being hit by all sorts of things, hence the astute (and superstitious) choice of Astroblema as its capital.

Major Cities: Farbul (west, coastal city), Kerfuffle (south, located in the Fanfara desert) and Lollapaloosa (east, built on rocky mountains and hills)

Major languages: many incomprehensible tribal dialects, but Bafflegab and Baragouin emerging as major languages

Monetary unit: 1 zealot = 100 follies

Main exports: Oil, gas

Internet domain: .fok

International dialling code: +666